Bears

 My ex girlfriend loved bears passionately. Grizzly, black bears, pandas, you name it. Early on in our relationship she went through a bout of deep depression. She had lots of health problems, and the medications she took often triggered intense mood swings and sadness that lingered for weeks. During those times I would be there with her, doing whatever i could to ease her pain. Mostly, that meant just simply being there with her. 

We went to the zoo and saw a sloth bear. The bear didn't excite her like i thought it would. She told me she only felt sad that the bear was locked away. 

She loved sweet potatoes and I would make them for us to eat almost everyday when she was struggling. She never tired of them, even if they were prepared the same way over and over. But i refused to let our little feasts grow stale. Each night I would come in with a fresh bag, determined to find a new way to prepare them. That's the beauty of the potato, the sheer number of ways to produce something delicious from them--but I digress. 

There was a little round table in her dining room where we would sit. She was very intentional and meticulous with most things she did, including how she ate. She appreciated when i made food for her, and would make sure to tell me. I felt guilty in a way when she expressed such gratitude. I remember telling her frequently - I love you.. making food for you is the same as waking up and brushing my teeth. It's not to be celebrated, just something you do to take care of something you value. 

She was easy. It was easy to be around her. Easy to talk to her. Easy to trust her. She was sweet, agreeable. She took me in stride, and I her. She wanted no problems. She was content to get along. The peacefulness of our companionship didn't make her uneasy. It made her feel safe. It made me feel safe too. She preferred to stay in that. We just got along. Why did I ever let her go.... But i digress  

We would lay together wrapped in big heavy blankets. She had a projector that took about 20 minutes to get situated correctly. While she fiddled with it, I'd scour YouTube looking for a good bear documentary to clear her mind. I don't know why i feel so emotional writing this now. Maybe its because we had such a pure love, and i tossed it aside for nothing. Maybe its the trouble I've had trying to find another good girl since. But i think, really, it's just nostalgia for that strange, suspended time during COVID. And the thought of how fast time has moved and is moving. Scary. 

So we would start a bear documentary. And i could feel the tightness in her body start to dissipate. She started to relax. And i felt so lucky knowing i was part of the reason why. Often, id watch her instead of the show. Her facial expression, so innocent and intrigued. In that moment nothing else existed. Just me, her, and most importantly, the bears. 

One moment i remember. We were in the middle of one, and she looked up at me. Her eyes so big, like something out of an animated movie. I could see her trying to formulate a statement, she wanted so badly to express something. She looked at me for 5 long seconds before finally, softly speaking.

 "i love bears".